Thursday, October 2, 2014


Omagosh, omagosh, omagosh! APPLE HAS RELEASED A NEW PHONE! Ooh! And they also released a NEW WATCH!

We endure this mania every year when Apple announces they are coming out with a new phone. Rumors abound. “Leaked” mock-ups appear on the internet that never look like the real product. People with no jobs start pitching tents in front of Apple stores weeks before the official release. After much hooplah, Apple proudly released technology that has been around for at least two years elsewhere - namely a “big” phone.

I get it. If I didn’t have a job, I’d have camped in a tent a couple of times back when this was cool new technology. Still, it amazes me that, 6 years later, we get so worked up over this stuff. And by “we” I mean, “me” and both my friends.

Anyone who grew up reading the Dick Tracy comics has been waiting for a smart watch for decades. A company called Pebble released the first smartwatch that looked like a colorful cheap cinderblock on my skinny wrist. No thanks. Then Samsung came out with a much cooler cinder brick for my skinny wrist. The world speculated for at least two years over what Apple’s miraculous watch would look like. We all expected a slam-dunk reaction similar to their introduction of the smartphone whereby the world says, “Oh! THAT’S what a smart watch is supposed to do!” Alas, Apple introduced another miraculous cinder block for my skinny wrist.

Calm down Apple people. I’m not hating on Apple for their awesome phone and watch. Quite the contrary. Their new phones are astoundingly powerful and the watch would probably be awesome if I had a wrist the size of Oprah.

Both my readers are, by now, wondering what my point is because I’m wondering the same thing. I think my point is that now that my cell phone contract is expired, I can go purchase a new phone right now but, for the first time in 8 years, I’m not peeing in my pants too so. The new offerings from all manufactures are only a smidgen better than what I have now. It’s just not worth the money to upgrade.

So I guess this is an “open letter” to the tech world in general to express my thankfulness that I live in a world where I can under-appreciate technological miracles that I only dreamed of as a young Dick Tracy/Star Trek fan. But I want those same folks to knock my socks off again. I want some some great new, revolutionary, world-changing tech toy, darnit. I want a contact lens that beams information straight to my retina. I want a brain implant where I can just “think” of a question and receive an answer instantly. I want to be so connected to the Hive Mind that my friends will think I’m a Borg. I want the Next Big Thing - including a flying car! Now! That’s not asking much, is it?

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