Monday, February 16, 2009

Geekonomic Stimulus Plan

One or two of you may have read my columns when I used to write for another local newspaper. This past August I lost my ever lovin mind and ran for local office. My old gig has a policy of not allowing mindless people to write for them unless you possess a journalism degree. Long story short: I twisted Tom Magazzu’s arm and here we are! Thanks, Tom.

My business is doing very well but I could always use a little more so I have been pondering ways to boost my bank account. The only way I can legally do that is by talking you good people into giving me some of your money. To that end, I’ve come up with my very own geekonimic stimulus plan that includes surefire ways to get you to spend money on computer repair.

Most importantly, don’t install antivirus software. If you already have antivirus software, don’t ever update it. If you’ve let your subscription expire, please do not renew it. You smart people who keep their antivirus up to date have cost my business hundreds of thousands of dollars of the past 15 years.

Do not ever backup your data. When you hard drive inevitably fails, most (or all) of those thousands of pictures and documents can be recovered by someone like us at a cost of 75 to 500 bucks or more. Far too many of you are learning how to back up your data. For the economy’s sake, cut it out!

Do not ever download Windows Updates from Microsoft’s website. Those pesky updates cause your computer to run more securely and more stable. Right now there is virus that is generating headlines all over the world for its widespread infection rate. Microsoft released a patch last November that prevents this infection. I very much look forward to seeing all of you who keep ignoring that little balloon message that says, “Updates are ready for your computer.”

Please visit websites your momma would not approve of and click on links that strangers send you in email. When the website asks you if you would like to install a special piece of software that will allow you to view Angelina Jolie in all her glorious natural state, please answer “yes.” Doing so will install a annoying fake antivirus program has generated thousands of dollars of revenue over the past few months.

Install some file sharing software such as Limewire, Bearshare and WinMX. While the software itself is safe, the files you download are loaded with viruses and spyware. Those legitimate sites such as iTunes want to charge you as much as 99 cents for a song that is guaranteed to be virus-free. Why pay that when you can obtain infected files illegally?

There are plenty of other ways to motivate you to part with your money and I’ll cover many of those in this space every other week. In the meantime, please open any email attachments you receive from strangers. I’m eyeballing a new sailboat and need a down payment.

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